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We Interrupt This D.C. Blog to Bring You a Trip to Canada

August 27, 2016

I went to Canada again. No, not because of this:

What If I Told You Meme

I went because every other driving vacation Cake Man and I have been on in Canada has been awesome. This time, Newfoundland was the destination, and we found what we always find – the magic of Canada.

The trip was not without its challenges. I can understand Canadian, but my pronunciation is so-so.  As far as I can tell, Newfoundland is pronounced “New Finn Laand.” I was unable to properly pronounce Laabradoor though. That word contained more a’s and o’s than I felt comfortable attempting. But I think my pronunciation was progressing. At one point, I asked a Viking Trail gas station clerk if she could determine from my accent that I was from the United States. She looked at me for a full fifteen seconds without speaking. Finally, she said I sounded like I was Canadian, but not from Newfoundland. It’s possible she was just being nice.

 

Even the Trash Cans are Nice

This trash bin says “You are beautiful.”

Being nice is an affliction in Newfoundland,* but one I wouldn’t mind acquiring. In addition to being nice, Newfoundlanders luuuuuve to chat. I learned this over and over at every place Cake Man and I stopped. It didn’t matter if the Newfoundlander was someone staffing a remote gas station or Air Canada check-in desk staff at the Deer Lake Airport at 4:20am. The Newfoundlanders were always asking where I was from and where I had been in Newfoundland and am I enjoying myself and did I see the X, Y, and Z? And then they would tell me something about what they’d seen or done. And if we both felt like it, we could keep chatting. I learned so much.

I was overwhelmed by the kindness and genuine curiosity in all the Newfoundland faces. Newfoundland is a special place, one filled with Canada Magic.

I first felt the presence of Canada Magic at the airport, where prices at first seemed a little too high. But it was an airport. And I was on vacation. I silently figured that’s just the way things were going to be. Then Cake Man reminded me that the exchange rate is 1 U.S. dollar to 1.3 Canadian dollars. Suddenly, everything that seemed expensive was on sale! A Canada Magic miracle.

Going Viking

Going Viking!

Canada Magic manifested in many ways. The greatest Park Ranger ever, Paul [Last Name Unknown], was filled with Canada Magic. At L’Anse Aux Meadows (Viking settlement site!), Ranger Paul regaled the last tour group of the day with a rapid-fire 45-minute discussion about the settlement grounds. He let us walk where Leif Eriksson walked! He told us about sub-Arctic foliage! He made technical corrections to the film inside the Visitor Center! He described bog iron! And I suddenly felt a lot better about all the yellow water I’d been drinking in Newfoundland! Canada Magic makes everything nicer.

Objects were also affected by Canada Magic. Wood seemed to be particularly susceptible. For instance, in a non-magical setting, a person who was hiking might have to slog across muddy ground that would no doubt slop wet over the tops of boots and inside them as well. But because of Canada Magic, wooden planks assembled themselves in an orderly fashion throughout the hiking trails of Newfoundland and permitted a person to walk across them. Essentially, Canada Magic allows hikers to levitate.

Canada Magic - Wood

Canada Magic on display

Only once did Canada Magic lead me and Cake Man astray – on our hike up Gros Morne Mountain, the tallest in Newfoundland. Gros Morne is beautiful and imposing but in that challenging and exciting kind of way for a person (me!) who really doesn’t like perilous stuff. There’s this rather persistent bit of the hike where the real work starts, and you have to walk from large rock to large rock or boulder to boulder, but that only lasts for an hour-and-a-half or so. Then you get to the fake top of the mountain and then to the real top of the mountain. All along the way, the views are fantastic. Plus there’s the exhilaration of making it to the top and knowing the downhill is the easy part.

Unfortunately, such a positive view of things doesn’t take the dark side of Canada Magic into consideration. This is where Cake Man and I learned the truth.

For every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction. Every ounce of good Canada Magic must be balanced by an ounce of evil Canada Magic. Thoughtful Newfoundlanders had discovered a way to spread the good magic around and keep the evil magic all bottled up by putting it in a place where harm couldn’t come to whippersnappers who get up at the crack of Oh My God Do People Really Get Up That Early And Go On A Hike?!? For every happy roadside chat, every enthusiastic Park Ranger, every meadow with a beautiful wooden walking path through the flowers, there must be a lie in answer to the question “How long will this hike take?”

Gros Morne Balances the Equation

Gros Morne helps balance the equation.

The Gros Morne Mountain hike is listed in numerous places as requiring 5-6 hours. Cake Man and I started the hike at 11:25am thinking it would take 6 1/2 hours because I’m slow. That’s a fact. I like to have an energy reserve in case I need it, so I save up my energy by being a little slow the whole time. Plus, even though they are clean and pretty, I like to look up from my boots when I walk. And I insist on taking pictures. And hydrating. And snacking. The best peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of raw carrot will always be eaten on a hike! In short, the Gros Morne Mountain hike, according to all the guidance, should be completed at least 3 hours before sunset at 8:45pm Newfoundland time.

Gros Morne Still Going

So pretty. But make it stop.

The hike took more than 6 1/2 hours. The hike took 8 1/2 hours. The math wasn’t pretty. Neither were the recriminations aimed at the authors of the hiking book we’d bought that contained a map apparently drawn at random to indicate distances. At the summit, we were 1/3 of the way done, not halfway done. Though the last 2/3 of the hike were quite pretty, it just kept going on. And on. And on. Cue the reserve, or as Cake Man calls it, Robo-Andrea. The 80 minutes of the hike took 40 minutes on the return. No one was injured in the unleashing of Robo-Andrea. We were off the trail 30 minutes before sunset! And we learned a lesson for our next trip to Canada: good Canada Magic has an evil side that can be easily avoided by adding 40% to hiking times.

Canada Magic is worth it. Newfoundland is worth it.

Random Newfoundland Sunset

 

* Okay, there was one person in Deer Lake who wasn’t over-the-top nice to me, but it was the middle of her Friday night dinner rush, and I had foolishly ordered a Molson, which apparently was not specific enough.

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