An Open Letter to the Polar Vortex
I can’t thank you enough for visiting me here in Washington D.C. Your presence has reminded me of so much that is good and unfrozen about the world. Many times over the last month, I’ve waxed nostalgic for days that were merely freezing or managed to dip down only to the upper twenties. Even now, it’s hard not to think back to times when I didn’t have to wear two pairs of gloves, long johns, the least ridiculous hat I could find in the closet and a lime-green neck-warmer. Thank you, Oh Great Polar Vortex, for helping me see what is good and right about the world, thank you.
That being said, I regret to inform you the time has come for you to go home. You stayed too long. You drank all the whiskey. You kissed all the stuffed animals and maybe some of the plants. You left the bathroom seat up too many times. You froze the attic over. You added a digit to the heating bill. You disturbed my life with a crunch of salt residue so pervasive and dreaded that I’ll have an easier time getting Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round” out of my head. It’s time for you to go, Polar Vortex. Now.
You may think you’ve gotten the best of the United States of America just because we haven’t retaliated against you. “They’re Americans,” you must be saying in your foolish, frozen head. “If they had it in them, they would have done something devastating and possibly not completely informed to beat back my awesome icy power.”
You couldn’t be more wrong, Polar “Misunderstands Things” Vortex. America has a long history of eradicating your vortexy predecessors. The resistance is well-documented. In 1893, Susan B. Anthony said, “Organize, agitate, educate, must be our war cry against the Polar Vortex.” And seventy years later, when you dared dip south and menace us, John F. Kennedy called for a legion of patriotic American volunteers with the declaration that “The cost of freedom from the Polar Vortex is always high, but Americans have always paid it. And one path we shall never choose, and that is the path of surrender or submission to the Polar Vortex.”
We know you well, Polar Vortex. America has seen you to the door many times in our brave history. Be a gentleman, Mr. Vortex. See yourself out.
Andrea “Can You BELIEVE the Temperature Again Today?!?” Pawley
Addendum: June 17, 2014
Addendum de deux: June 18, 2014
ZOMBIELAND-STYLE DOUBLE TAP, POLAR VORTEX!