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Proposal to Relocate Jabba the Hutt Smuggling Operations

March 31, 2015

Jabba at Lincoln

With the Rebellion gathering ever more followers and rumors of carbonite prisoner seizure plots increasing, Jabba the Hutt Smuggling Operations (Hutt SO) minions identified a location far, far away for His Eminence to consider relocating the palace and the permanent entourage.

The Case for Washington D.C. to Host Hutt SO

  • Since its creation in 1790, Washington D.C. has scored ten out of ten on the wretched hive of scum and villiany scale (WHSV).
  • Avenues are already laid out for easy movement of Jabba’s Pleasure Barge.
  • Sinkholes large enough to contain the Rancor monster and the Pit of Sarlacc appear regularly.
  • The city is the home of Georgetown Cupcake, which has agreed to design a tasty treat specifically for Hutt taste buds.
  • A large number of ex-Secret Service agents are available locally to join the palace security detail.
  • Unlimited campaign contributions by individuals are considered a “First Amendment” right. (The minion team believes this condition increases the WHSV rating to eleven out of ten.)

Washington D.C. Negatives to Consider

  • A population prone to name objects according to how they look (e.g. Earth, orange, glass) and unable to drive under any condition besides clear skies may not be intelligent enough to provide logistical and other administrative support for Hutt SO’s galaxy-wide business.
  • Public transportation infrastructure is unreliable and may result in a disgruntled population that rises up in protest. WMATA officials contacted for comment said “His Most Righteous Bloatedness can expect weekend track work on the Red Line to continue from now at least until the pieces of Alderaan re-form into a planet.”
  • The city is experiencing a Ewok-like plague of José Andres restaurants and $14 cocktails.

Why Washington D.C. Still Comes Out on Top

Simple interventions like more Velveeta cheese in the diet, construction of the Purple Line and Sand People protests at City Council meetings are projected to mitigate the above negative aspects of the proposed move.

Jabba's CupcakeRecommendation

We, your most lowly minions, who would make the worst Bantha fodder, believe Washington D.C. to be an ideal new location for Hutt SO. We humbly beg you to accept our recommendation and approve the transfer before any more Jedi are found sneaking into the palace. In the absence of your approval, we will, of course, grovel for mercy before our inevitable termination.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Aaron permalink
    April 1, 2015 12:01 am

    I came here to compliment you on working triffid into your post, but it only appears in the email. Here, you refer to an Ewok-like plague. I suppose Ewok is more in line with the theme. Anyway, I welcome my new Hutt overlord.


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